!!Under construction!!

The first thing that comes to mind when I read that title, is the yellow tape that is common in those investigative or crime programs with caution written all over. However, it accurately describes how it is and has continually been for me.

It has been an experience of being torn up bare and slowly having the pieces put together. It came with a truck load of significant decisions that do not get any easier or less in number. A walk of total surrender and faith as I am continually reminded that I can do nothing by my own strength. It has been oscillation from moments of total peace and faith to being a total wrecking ball when the control freak in me threatens to bring up its ugly head.

I made peace with always being on a journey that most around me really do not understand or consider quite insane. Technically all the big steps I’ve made with regards to personal growth, those around me had, still have, a hard time understanding the ‘why’ but by the time I am done they end up being the greatest beneficiaries. Therefore, words may fail me on painting out the picture of what exactly pushed me to making such drastic decisions within such a short span of time nevertheless, I will go ahead and do my best.

It was no mean feat I must admit as I believe when God really wants your attention, He’ll get it. I know I can be quite stubborn, in my defense though it is mostly subconsciously not out rightly being a menace. The year 2014 was one that put a lot of things in my life into perspective, more of burst my little bubble and the landing it was coupled with was really far from a soft one. It took two years of serious restlessness, some deep soul searching and a total change in a lot of dynamics to deal with this girl’s stubbornness. I was tired, lost, really empty, stripped bare and felt like I had nothing else left to lose. It took being run down, accepting that I ain’t no fixer and time never did solve things. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that tomorrow comes with a basket filled with goodies, just for me.

The source of courage to take that step towards Him was from realizing the magnitude of loss that came with not doing anything, the peace of mind that I so dearly longed for through all the madness that life had and still has continually dished me. I wanted rest, that kind of rest that King David spoke of in Psalms 91.

God had already placed a couple of things in motion with regards to the transition and I only got to realize this mid-year. He surrounded me with those that I needed and took away the distractions. He at one point had me shut out from all and it was just the two of us in intimacy, a moment where He got me totally broken for Him. I did not question His decisions, I felt like a baby who was learning the basics all over again as He made me aware of His unconditional love. He reminded me in Romans 8:30 that He qualifies those He calls, made me secure in His love and has continually thwarted the perfectionist in me that constantly brought up thoughts full of doubt with regards to this journey.

That level of transition came with a whole bag of mixed emotions battled with the back and forth on total surrender to His will. It came with grieving over loss and at the same go trying to understanding that which I just couldn’t. All that seemed to matter to me then, just died off without any explanation and the detachments came with the emotional confusion. All that kept me on this journey, was that even amidst all that had me feeling like pulling my hair out, the joy of the Lord became my strength and He gave me peace about it.

In hindsight, I will gladly declare that I have tasted His faithfulness over the last 6 months and He has carried me through it wrapped up in His arms. It has been totally worth every bit of it. I am excited about what God has in store for me, walking in His purpose and being part of the His great plans. I am well aware this is going to be a journey of growth and great conviction under guidance constantly.

All I can say is God’s grace has been sufficient and this girl is just but under construction .

 

Lots of love and kisses,