It’s easy to convince oneself out of things, not because you don’t long for them but rather the level of vulnerability that comes with scares you. Therefore, choosing an easier path, one that seems less travelled but not necessarily truthful. You get to make it home and everything else loses its appeal as a reality you would prefer to embrace.
A few months ago, I came to the awakening that the above has been my story for the last two and a half decades .
Sad but true.😔
Given how I interact, slowly thereafter forming relationships, I might have placed a level of trust in my ways. I came to convince myself that I was a mummy’s girl way before my heart was totally swayed to that direction.
I, in much pride, sang it all through that I defied the said myths over the alternate sex parent- child bonds.
I was indeed the exception🤣. I might have even, subconsciously lost myself in that idea, to the extreme of having entertained a couple of absurd ones along that line.🤦🏽♀️
Truth: Behind that facade was a hurting child who had no awareness over what sent her that direction.😣
I found security in putting roots in Mum’s love: It was stable, secure and came with understanding. It didn’t feel like I needed to be an exceptional child to experience it. I knew I’d come home to seeing her and every time she set out for trips, she had a truck load of goodies for her little angels. She found a way of incorporating us even in her busiest of schedules and at no point did we ever feel like a nuisance to her. She is my confidant and best friend.🥰
On the contrary; Having father dearest ever so frequently under pain management antics and as rare as a blue moon (thanks to adulting reponsibilities and pursuit of greater career opportunities) meant that we would mindfully work the dynamics on interacting with him. Most circumstances out of his control but that little girl’s mind had not perspective of it. Blend it with the reality of him being a geek with outstanding work ethics and an immense passion for what he did 🙆🏽♀️. It honestly felt that I always needed to come in right.🤓
As one who greatly appreciates quality time😌, that interaction felt unstable to me as I needed to grow up faster than I had bargained for, where he was concerned. I am now appreciative of the skills that came with courtesy of the given circumstances it however didn’t feel so then😣.
That essentially, was what had me swinging my vote to the other camp.
I unfortunately, unknowingly, deflected some of these unmet desires in my relationships. They manifested in the choice of friends thus the birth of a ‘type’ that I would lean more towards.
Needless to say how much of a 🤪 situation this was.
It got me into some rather sticky situations that took forever to get out of and an Achilles’ heel that needed to be extracted with the urgency of a fully decayed tooth🥺.
In the journey that is pruning, Papa brought that, courtesy of the given experience, to my attention and I got into total denial (classic response 😂😂). It was a hard one to take in, it however came with clarity. It all began to make sense, I finally understood why I handled things the way I did, patterns that sprung up as a mode for survival.
I loved the place I had carved out for myself but also recognized that He was not just out to raffle my feathers over this comfort zone unless there was something He was driving at.
He needed me to reach out for that interaction, move houses even and be totally intentional.
His instruction: FATHERHOOD needed to be redefined for this baby girl, to enable her enjoying it in fullness.
It was a multipurpose move as it got to serve as a restoration of the bond between me and my father. It took for one of us, me, to cave and fall in line. God needed me to grow a deeper relationship with him moving past the easy maintenance kind I had structured in protective mode.
The fear of the magnitude of vulnerability that I was being called to and possible outcomes had to be dispelled. Reaching out in total faith was my only plausible option.
Papa was calling me to obedience on this one and in more ways than one, I sadly heavily related to Jonah😂. This was such a tall order for me🥺.
I did, however, choose obedience in as much as it was with so much uncertainty as it called for some serious lifestyle adjustments where breaking out of my routine was involved. Every bone in me wanted to run but I was done with the running on all platforms. I had traded it in for rest and It is my intention to keep it so.
True to His nature, God honoured my faith move😭🙌🏼.
The interaction came with a sense of assurance, affirmation, protection and security from daddy dearest. I have sat under his feet to receive the constant nuggets of wisdom and bottomless laughter, the kind that brings healing to the soul😄.
The ruthless mark board I had for him was taken out and I got to embrace it all. God showered my way an abundance of wisdom to handle that relationship given how our personalities are, give or take, on opposite ends of the scale😂.
It gave me a chance to be his little baby girl🥰, something I have no recollection over.
A work in progress it is, not withstanding a cognizance of what God is doing in his life and the degree of boldness it takes for him to do so.
It has been over three months since I took that plunge and I totally agree with Papa. There is so much more for me to walk into 🙆🏽♀️.
The conviction to embrace that childlike spirit remains so strong and I got to understand the why on one Monday night end of last year.
I got to experience what it actually meant to be seated in the heavenly places with Christ Jesus. A revelation that opened me up to embrace much more and walk in the authority of being Papa’s son.
It got easier to relate and maintain a clear perspective of Papa.
The reminder:
To keep the faith what come may.
To keep trusting and learning from this opportunity I have got as I grow deeper roots in that identity of a loved child: Secure in both their Father’s and father’s love.
No question about it as He has me surrounded and covered on all fronts. Geared up for the journey that is ahead of me😃.
I’m truly grateful that I traded in my tiny teddy for a bigger cuddle bear 🧸.
#Fathered🥰
#AnOpenHeavens2019😌
HIGHCARBLIVING 