Amongst the many promises God sent my way as we were leaving the last decade, was this one found in Isaiah 54.
I really struggled with it to be honest.
My heart bubbled with excitement, an abundance of expectation,
but I also found it wrestling with conceptualizing the reality of that promise.
God, oh so graciously, went on to confirm His word by sending me to Psalm 126 with greater emphasis on the first two verses.
This is where I hit a new high at being a total wreck:
My spirit man leaped in joy as my mind began tearing it down.
Immediately generating a list of all those ‘almost there’ moments I had experienced in the last few years.
The seemingly false starts.
The being so close you could nearly taste it yet so far away from having it.
Subsequently, flooding me with every possible emotion that was arisen in that season and more.
My once stellar visual became so murky, I could barely make heads or tails of it.😣
I didn’t have much to fight, I was already spent.
Therefore, I wrote it down as instructed in Habakkuk 2:2-3 and allowed that wave to carry me to the shore.
Hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I might spot a light in the consumingly dark clouds hovering above me🥺.
It is in one of those back and forth moments, that Papa sent me to Isaiah 7:10-11 and let me know it is time to step into action.
You know, like going for shopping and having to pick something because you love it rather than rationalizing against its cost.
Yeah, everyone’s dream and a handful’s reality.😔
That was it.
That is how He wanted me to take on life.
Typical of this damsel’s patterns, I froze at the instruction.😕
Even so it kept resonating in my spirit,
“Be extravagant Ibin.
It’s time to ask for the moon.”
Needless to say I had a truck load of those ‘Oh, no you didn’t!’ moments out of that bit of scripture.
Howbeit, in the midst of it all, I came to the sobering realization:
This girl had scaled down her list of asking so much so that extravagance was greatly lacking.
Truthfully so, I had found myself at the same place as King Ahaz,
trying to rationalize why I would trouble God with such trivial things.
I mean, He has dire situations calling for His intervention.
All I needed was enough to see me through this one thing and I will make do without the rest.
I burst out in laughter as that was all I could in the not-knowing-how-to respond to the overwhelming truth that was staring hard at my face.
I had been scornful of King Ahaz the first time I went through that bit of scripture and called him out on false humility but here I was, at the same place courtesy of broken lenses.
Having my mind shut down at even the thought of that instruction.
The pieces thus began falling in place. It finally dawned on me why Papa had been saying over and over again, for a period of about 7 weeks, that He needed to renew my mind for the place He was taking me.
Honestly, Him staying at the same thing was beginning to get to me as I remained adamant.
Nonetheless, a forced shift in perspective had me seeing it:
I lost a big chunk in the surviving through what was.
It served me for that season and things needed to change.
God needed to breath a fresh over me in all areas to enable the birthing of what was needed for the coming assignment.
My dilemma wasn’t at questioning His ability to restore but the rather trauma of the past season.
The ‘heartbreak’ this past year had come with was way more than I could ever have budgeted for in my lifetime😫.
I eventually understood why King Solomon was insistent on looking out for a crushed spirit, I had tasted it.
Many were the instances when I woke up and did not want to brave it anymore. I could not get myself out of that bed. I wanted more and better.
Perhaps;
Somebody to fight with me on this one.
The reassurance that it will be okay.
A wrap around support that cherishes, adores and protects without my mind constantly racing over so many outcomes.
For once, I just wanted to be fought for and get away with it.
I was at the end of me.
I couldn’t do this anymore😩.
Everything felt so far fetched and slipping through my hands.
It was like walking through a bad snow storm with too many adversities exclusive of the obvious that came with the environment.
This wasn’t going to be how my forever looked like, I knew it.
Papa had shown me a beautiful place prepared for me.
He’d also sent a couple of his sons to give me a heads up of the journey that came with walking into it.
Nevertheless, I deeply yearned for the reality of it now.
It felt like I was bleeding on all fronts.
Retail therapy wasn’t cutting it 😫.
Time out was like a temporary band aid.
One time treats for baby girl came with a resounding emptiness.
The demand over me was greater and inasmuch as my relationship with Papa was growing deeper, I craved so deeply for more.
Such a resounding deep dull ache coupled with a restlessness to walk into those realities, the place of promise.
I needed a washing over me😩.
Inclusive of everything nice and heart warming.
At one point I contemplated radical decisions that would trigger a new beginning, then, just maybe it would get better.
Only to to wake up to the truth; That my reality wasn’t something a man made new beginning would fix. I needed to walk through it and trust that Papa would handle it.
Powering through that month has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with Papa knowing what His child needs.
He has been consistent with the love notes.
Speaking life to where my heart bleeds out the most.
Responding to my need for an overwhelmingly perfect love.
Sending angels my way to tend to His baby girl in love languages she understands best.
Opting for that childlike faith in seeing through instructions God sent my way.
Remembering that at the end of me is where I find Him.
Complying to His guidance and daring to ask, oh so extravagantly.
Through it all, into this new decade, I will cede to His instruction and keep singing through the wait:
‘My Papa promised.’
And that, will be more than enough for His babygirl.
HIGHCARBLIVING 