The crossover to 2020 was one of those that I battled to remain present. I was done with the Pandora’s box madness that had been my year and was ready for the unveiling of whatever it translated to,
this new decade.
I could feel the atmosphere shift.
There was an expectation and anticipation building in the air:
A captivating excitement of sorts.
There was a lifting to the burden that had put me down much of 2019.
Something was different this time round and Papa ensured that I knew so.
A few days before the New Year, Papa kept sending beautiful love notes my way. They had my mouth filled with wonder and my mind beginning to comprehend the breaking of impossibilities. He was calling me out of the survival mode to start living and my already beaten-down self grappled with conceptualizing it.
What is this new normal that He’s calling me to?
Can my fragile heart handle it?
How much more do I have to lose?
Not forgetting the daunting levels of rawness it comes with, how do I cope with it?
Did I need to reintroduce myself?
I could barely recognize the girl in the mirror🥺.
I could see my family struggle with it as well.
The fire had done its work, it however felt like I remained tinged from it.
For me to get back to the bandwagon Papa had been summoning me to, it was important to take a couple of steps back. I therefore, pinned that thought to be handled much later as I needed some time out to recuperate.
Over a fortnight ago, I was reminded of the three Hebrew boys in the fire in Daniel 3;
I was in awe as their confidence in Papa was remarkable.
They found themselves on the receiving end of something unprecedented.
The only wrong they had done was to obey their God, which rivaled their leader’s demands.
This particular scripture stood out for me:
The imagery came easy.
Visualize, finding yourself in a fire so hot that those who shoved you in did not survive from its exposure.
One hotter than a blacksmith’s furnace.
The kind of fire that has been reinforced ten times more; raging and devouring all on its path.
Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego, had found favour in the previous ruler, reigning in authority yet thrown into a hot furnace.
Possibly facing mockery on where their God was.
Nonetheless, they stood strong in it no longer having themselves bound but in freedom.
Steadfast faith in a God they knew as Mighty to save, probably from their forefathers’ tales on their Egypt deliverance.
A God who was currently proving Himself strong, on this one.
Just three Hebrew boys that would shape the course of history and have their story penned down outliving their wildest of imaginations.
A source of hope for many, understanding to more and strength to those who have found themselves in that very place many centuries later.
There they were, 3 Hebrew boys in a foreign land, standing in a fire that had consumed the centurions who had thrown them in.
Choosing to stand firm rather than be swayed by comfort and convenience.
They chose God and He honored their resolve. Filled their experience with wonder as those on the outside spotted a fourth person in the fire.
It is the reason they didn’t get burnt.
The cause of not even a hair on their body being touched.
God was with them.
I deeply resonated with this story, so much so that I found myself in tears as I was listening to the Bible audio on this chapter on my bus ride to work.
It all started taking shape, and my heart began bubbling in thanksgiving.
The last year’s intensity felt like the Refiner’s fire had broken the scale on its measure of heat.
Every bit of it needed me to fight with all I had.
I can’t recall catching a break in the 365 days that was.
A circus doesn’t even come close to capturing my 2019.
In all honesty, I had a fair share of moments that I toyed with the idea of hanging my boots. It appeared to be a solution to the increasing heat as I was pressed on all sides.
I needed relief from what had been half a decade of super intense battle that seemingly kept escalating and felt like a lifetime of it.
Yes, I knew what lay on the other side for me.
Yes, I was persuaded that the sun would soon shine.
And yes, I knew Papa’s word never returns void.
Seriously grappled with feeling like there was mistaken identity because this round of testing was like sitting for a tertiary level paper whilst in primary level training.
It had pushed me to a better relationship with Him yet He felt so far away.
At times, it felt like playing broken telephone or Papa was choosing what to respond to where our conversations were concerned.
I distinctly remember this particular morning as I’m rushing to work for an impromptu call in, trying to remain composed and calm, asking Him to get me there in record time of about twenty minutes.
Believe it or not,
I was seated at my desk by minute twenty. However, instead of being grateful and whispering a thanksgiving prayer I snapped into the;
‘Enhe!
So You actually are hearing me.🤦🏽♀️’
Followed by a proper rant to Him on my way back to the house.
Absurd, right?
I know😔.
All year it had felt like I got the wrong address to my mails and I was constantly hitting a dead end.
I struggled not to spiral into a space of questioning the past years of a flourishing long conversation to a silence with no alerts to it happening.
However, this particular moment and many others to come served as a polite reminder that Papa is and always has been listening.
Him being quiet did not in any way depict abandonment or lack of attention.
This is why Daniel 3 came alive powerfully for me.
The three Hebrew boys may have never realized that God was with them in that hot furnace other than hearing it from those who were watching.
That silence must have been rather frustrating for them.
They however had evidence to it:
Papa had them leave unscathed.
They stood as a witness of His faithfulness. Those watching examined them in disbelief as not even the scent of smoke was on them.
The King was mesmerized and chose to serve God instead of his idols.
Their faith was strengthened and God was glorified.
That my friend, is the end goal to life’s musings and battles.
Our God is not taken from our misgivings and difficulties.
He is not oblivious of the intensities of these seasons neither is He emotionally unavailable.
That’s the mistake I made as I wound up the year. I allowed the fatigue to give me the impression of Papa being emotionally unavailable which honestly almost sent me down a cold dark place in the fight to survive. A heart check and standing on the shoulders of those whom I loved set me straight.
I came out of that fire without the indicators of having gone through it other than a shift of perspective;
A recognition of the journey set before me and the prerequisites to getting on the other end.
An understanding of the uproar it might come with and the cost of the journey.
An immense adjustment of priorities.
A growing confidence in a faithful God.
Most especially a clarity of interactions.
Just like for the 3 Hebrew boys,
Papa showed up and off for me.
He silenced my worries and strengthened my confidence.
Hugs and Kisses❤️❤️.
HIGHCARBLIVING 