As we ushered the new year, I honestly battled with the joy that was radiating on all platforms which I got to witness given I was working that night.
The skies were colored in beautiful displays of fireworks, the jubilation felt almost tangible in the atmosphere, such great hope.
Nonetheless, there was a heaviness deep within that didn’t seem to leave and carried a sense of exhaustion as that of a farmer that had been tilling all night only for dawn to belittle his output.
The fact that I was working the night had me in functional mode even the more through the festivities. The wave of a fresh reset with hearts brimming of great expectation seemed to have missed me once again.
Don’t get me wrong, I recognize fully that Papa has been clear about the expectations of the righteous not being cut off. However, a sis was tired as the battle took new shape every time I thought we were going on recess.
I remember there were a couple of days, in that last month of the year, that I found myself repeating words of Paul to Timothy as I tried to take stock and see whether my patterns were what led me here: A soldier is never entangled in civilian matters.
My soul ached for a release, a refreshing, a reminder that Papa is still near and a break from what felt like a never ending battlefield experience. Unknown to me, I had slipped back to survival mode just to maintain functionality. I was getting what needed to be done and kept moving with no spark or glimmer of hope in sight. I remember telling my best friend that as much as the assignment over us is great, yoh! A sis is yearning for some soft life experience even if it was as a commercial break for that season.😅
One of the mornings as I drove to work, windows rolled down car booming with great beats, the Holy Spirit dropped a song in my heart and I quickly added it to my playlist. Immediately it went on, I became a proper water works as the lyrics ministered to the dull ache that had been threatening to consume me for days, months. It was so intense that I pulled over and just sobbed for minutes on end as I had the song on repeat. It wasn’t a song new to me, I actually hadn’t taken fancy to it but this time it hit so hard.
I was taken back to Luke chapter 5 versus 1 to 10, the story of Jesus and Peter with his fishermen crew.
I deeply resonated with the response Peter gave:
Simon said, “Master, we’ve been fishing hard all night and haven’t caught even a minnow.
But if you say so, I’ll let out the nets.”
You see for a couple of weeks God had asked me to try it once more but that heaviness that weighed down my soul didn’t seem to allow a sis to follow through. I might have unlocked Elijah’s level of despair after he defeated the baal prophets on Mount Carmel. Yet here again, Papa is urging me to trust Him and give it one more shot.
This was a call to adjust my response and align it with faith.
It wasn’t that He did not know where I stood as we are reminded in scripture that our High Priest is aware of what we go through being on this other side of time but He wanted me to give it one more try.
To have my response aligned as Peter’s, that at His word I will do it. The level of surrender God needed out of me even when it felt like I was at my wits end.
A trusting through the rocking boat and what felt like an all night camp set to catch only to end without. He was asking for a thawing of my heart once more and a reliance on Him.
Why it had me sobbing you may ask?
I felt called out yet assured that I’m seen, cared for and deeply loved.
This ministering by the Holy Spirit calmed the noises that had seemingly surrounded me, that of war, the battlefield and its repercussions.
It allowed for my guard to come down.
I finally remembered what it was to be His little one without any cares or burdens. Life hadn’t allowed me to feel like a little child in a couple of weeks but here was Papa calling me back to that place.
My heavy heart was traded in for rest at that word.
So I sobbed for plenty of days. It wasn’t a one morning experience, no.
It took days and almost weeks to have the system reset He was calling me to. The same song and word on repeat until my heart was fully assured.
I was deeply penitent for allowing it to get there then I chose rest.
I chose to give Him one more try in those places I had come up empty.
I chose to re-engage as Papa’s little girl once more.
I chose to find peace.
Therefore, I don’t know what about this year or the cross over might have had you indifferent just to keep moving.
What promise fell empty or a tarrying over matters that you had long trusted for God to execute.
Maybe it’s gotten to that point that you’d go through every written promise in both ways and still your heart is greatly burdened.
You are so close to the breakthrough as much as the heaviness is crippling.
The same way the Holy Spirit ministered my way by bringing to life once more a Bible story greatly familiar to me, I pray that you may experience the unburdening of your heart.
May the gladness of God’s works fill your minds with a consciousness of His sovereignty.
That we may be found postured in this response:
“…nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net…”
Constantly reminded what Papa is calling us to:
“…And when they had this done, they inclosed a great multitude of fishes: and their net brake.
And they beckoned unto their partners, which were in the other ship, that they should come and help them.
And they came, and filled both the ships, so that they began to sink…”
Hugs and Kisses❤️
HIGHCARBLIVING 